Shattered Lives
by PastNeighbours
Summary: What can Paul do now that he's burned his bridges in Ramsay Street


"Dad!" Elle Robinson exclaimed as she opened the door to her apartment "What are you doing here?"

Paul Robinson rolled his eyes "Can't a man come and see his favourite daughter" he replied "Well are you going to invite me in"

Elle knew something was up, "Yeah sure...can I get you a coffee or something" she said "Is Rebecca with you" as she walked towards the kitchen

"A coffee would be good" he replied as she shut the door behind him "And no Rebecca isn't with me"

Elle turned and looked at him curiously, turning back towards the kitchen counter she got the coffee mugs out "Why?" she asked

Paul sighed and sat down at the table "Because I screwed up big time" he said "Like I always do...we've separated...she wants a divorce"

Elle stopped what she was doing and walked towards the table "What happened?"

"Same old thing...I cheated on her" Paul said looking down at the table

"Oh dad...will you ever learn?" Elle said, returning to the boiling kettle.

"So how are things over here" Paul asked "Settling in okay?"

"Yeah fine" Elle replied, pouring the boiling water into the coffee mugs.

"Good" Paul said "No regrets about leaving?"

"Sometimes" she said, as she walked over to the table and placed the mugs down "It's funny I was speaking to mum a while back"

"Oh" Paul said

"Yeah she came over here after she heard about you and Rebecca getting married" Elle said "We got to talking about me choosing New York over Lucas and she remarked that she did the opposite, that she chose love over New York...twice"

Paul looked at Elle thoughtfully "Bet she regretted that" he said "What else did she tell you"

Elle smirked "That you got married for a business deal, but fell in love, how neither of you could admit your feelings to each other and she decided that she couldn't live that way anymore and when Auntie Rosemary offered her a job in New York she took it, but then you told her you loved her and she decided to stay" she said

"Yes she did" Paul said quietly "I was so scared of her rejecting me but I needed her to know how I felt before she left"

Elle observed her father for a moment "Dad did you ever cheat on mum?"

Paul looked at his daughter, breathing deeply he shook his head "No...I didn't need to, she was all I needed...I loved her so much" he said

"What really happened between you two?" Elle asked

"I was working too hard, building up the business..throughout the pregnancy I neglected her, forgot her birthday, left her alone at her father's wake...all because of the business which I was trying to build up for my family" he said "Looking back I guess I can see why she left but when I found her in Tasmania..." closing his eyes he felt tears as the emotion of that time hit him once again "Elle...if she would have let me stay...I would have given up everything for you...she wasn't the only one that wanted you three...I did too"

"I know and I think mum regrets what happened...she knows she should never have denied you access to us...that maybe if she had allowed you to be part of our lives Cameron would still be alive and Robert wouldn't be locked up" Elle said

Paul picked up his mug and took a sip of coffee "I went to see Robert before I left...we had a chat about everything and I think he understands that I didn't neglect him on purpose...Elle I hate seeing him in there, in spite of everything he's done he's still my son" he said

"Unfortunately we can't turn the clock back" Elle said

"My life fell apart when she left." Paul sighed "Elle she was my best friend...I could always rely on her to back me up when I need her to except for the times she thought I was wrong, I remember the arguments we used to have...like when I wanted to pull down the Waterhole and build on the site...she told me I was making a mistake and she was right"

"She said you used to argue a lot...that you'd fight for the last word especially where business was concerned but she also knew that was a softer side to you, you cared about your family" Elle said

"I cared about her...I hated seeing her upset" Paul said "Maybe that's why I can't commit to another woman and I constantly cheat on them because I'm looking for what I had with your mum"

"I think mum was upset that you got together with Rebecca so soon after she left last time" Elle said

"I knew Gail would never come back to me; there wasn't anything I could do to make her trust me again" Paul said "So when Rebecca walked into my life again I decided to try and move on with her and forget Gail...but I can't"

"How long are you staying in New York?" Elle asked

"Not sure...but I'm not planning on going back to Ramsay Street" Paul replied "I've burned my bridges there"

"I think you should call mum" Elle said "I think you two have a lot to talk about"

Paul laughed "I don't think so" he said

"Dad do you still have any feelings for her" Elle asked

Paul placed his coffee mug on the table "Of course I do...Elle what I felt for your mum never really dies, sure there have been times when I've been so angry over the way she prevented me from watching you grow up but I also love her...while I was with her everything just felt right" he said

"Maybe it's time you and mum actually sat down and reconciled the past" Elle said "Before it's too late"

Paul smiled "Elle..I'm not ready to see Gail yet...I need to get myself sorted out and find where I go from here" he said

Elle sighed "Hey where are you staying...you could always stay here" she said

Paul smiled "No a hotel is fine" he said

A few weeks later, Elle had just finished work when the telephone rang, she knew it was probably Paul...fed up with being on his own in the hotel; she was surprised by the voice on the other end of the line.

"Mum" she said

"Expecting someone else" Gail laughed as the sound of surprise in her daughter's voice.

"No" she said

"I'm in New York...thought I'd come and see you" Gail said "Are you doing anything tonight?"

Elle hesitated aware that she had promised Paul she'd meet him for dinner at his hotel, she knew he was feeling down and didn't want to rearrange things. Gail became aware of the hesitation in her daughter.

"What's wrong Elle...don't worry if you've got something else planned..I'm staying here for a week so we can catch up later if you want" Gail said

"No mum...it's just well dad's here and I promised I'd have dinner with him tonight" Elle said

"Okay that's fine" Gail said "What's Paul doing here anyway...is Rebecca with him?"

"No" Elle said "They've split up"

"Sounds about right" Gail said rolling her eyes "What did he do to her...cheat on her again"

Elle remained quiet and Gail realised she had hit the right answer.

"Hey how about lunch tomorrow?" Gail asked

Elle smiled "Only if you're paying" she laughed

"Don't I always" Gail said

The following day, Elle met Gail at a restaurant near her office.

"How are you?" Elle asked as they found a table and sat down.

Fine" Gail said "What about you...you look tired"

Elle smiled "No I'm fine...work has just been hectic lately" she said "I've got this afternoon off"

Gail laughed "How did you manage that?" she said

"I've got time owing and wanted to spend some time with you" Elle replied

"That's nice..so how are things with your dad" Gail asked curiously.

Elle rolled her eyes "Don't ask...he's really down actually"

The conversation stopped as the waiter brought the dinner menus to them. Gail picked up the menu. Elle observed her mother, there were things she wanted to say but she didn't know how to.

"So what are you going to have to eat?" Gail asked

Elle looked at the menu, her thoughts though were on Paul and what he was doing now. "Haven't decided yet." She said

"Well you better hurry up because I'm starving" Gail said "Elle what's wrong?"

Elle shook her head "It's nothing...just thinking about dad" she said

The waiter returned to take the order, once the meal had arrived Gail returned to the conversation.

"Elle your dad will be fine...he always manages to bounce back" she said

"I'm not sure" Elle said

"You haven't told him I'm here" Gail said

Elle shook her head "No" she said "Mum I asked dad if he ever cheated on you and he said no..he didn't need to"

Gail thought for a moment, casting her mind back to knew that was true "I know he didn't" she said

"Mum what really happened between you two" Elle said

"Elle it was a long time ago" Gail began

"You said he wasn't interested in us, but dad said he wanted us as much as you did" Elle said

Gail felt tears in her eyes, unsure where the emotion came from "He did" she said quietly "Elle he was working so hard with the business putting all his time into it, that I never saw him, then the day of my dad's funeral he left me alone to go to a business meeting...something inside me told me that it was over between us"

"He told me he regretted doing that" Elle said "That he tried looking for you and when he found you...you told him that it was over"

"Darling, I'm not particularly proud of what I did" Gail said "It wasn't fair on you three or him, but I was grieving for my dad and I wanted to hurt Paul as much as I was hurting so I did the one thing I knew would hurt him more than anything...I took his children away from him...I denied him access and told him that he couldn't be part of our lives"

"Do you ever think about what would have happened if you had stayed...do you ever regret leaving" Elle asked

Gail was about to speak when the waiter brought their food to them, feeling slightly relieved at the interruption. Once the waiter had left Elle pressed on with her question.

"Mum?" she said

Gail looked down at her food, aware of the crowded restaurant she didn't want to get into the conversation "Not now Elle, please" she said "What's done is done"

Elle sighed but continued with her food, knowing that Gail the conversation wasn't going to go anywhere. Later that afternoon Gail and Elle returned to Elle's apartment, Elle made some coffee while Gail sat on the sofa and picked up a magazine of the coffee table. Looking at Elle she knew her daughter was brooding, she was so much like Paul in that respect, finally she broke the silence that had existed between them since the meal in the restaurant, as Elle walked into the living room with the coffee mugs.

"Okay...you asked me if I ever think about how things would have been if I had stayed with your dad..." she began, turning to face Elle.

Elle looked at her, picking up her mug.

Gail sighed "Of course I think about it...Robert wouldn't be where he is and Cameron wouldn't be dead" she said "The Robinsons would have been part of your growing up...I think that's probably one of my biggest regrets taking you away from them"

"Dad said his life fell apart the moment you walked out on him" Elle said

Gail sighed "At the time I didn't think he would care...the most important thing in his life seemed to be the business" she said

"What was he like in the beginning?" Elle asked

Gail looked at her daughter, suddenly a thought crossed her mind that Elle didn't really know her father , laughing she replied "Stubborn, arrogant and overbearing" she said, then thoughtfully she smiled "But he had a good side to him..he would do anything for his family. You're a lot like him in many ways, especially the way you brood and let things bottle up. We had some good times, some really good times Elle but unfortunately in the end they very few and far between. In the beginning of our marriage when we got past the Marriage of Convenience he made me feel like the most important thing in his life...when I needed him...he was there but things changed when he took over the company. Looking back at things now the whole reason why I went on the IVF programme was to give him a child, because that's what he wanted most in this world...a family of his own"

"And you took it away from him...oh mum do you ever regret that?" Elle said

Gail was surprised at the feeling of tears in her eyes "Yes...I have never been able to find what I had with your dad with anyone else" she said "Unfortunately he's changed so much"

Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of the telephone ringing,

"Don't worry, the answer phone will get it" Elle said

They froze when they heard Paul's voice come over the answer machine, Elle looked at Gail unsure of whether to answer it or not.

"Go on answer it!" Gail smiled

"What if he wants to come over?" Elle said, as she walked over to the phone, picking it up she placed her hand over the receiver "Shall I tell him you're here?"

Gail thought for a moment, she knew that it was probably not a good idea to see Paul but part of her wanted to "If you want" she replied to Elle

Five minutes later Elle finished on the phone, rolling her eyes she sat down on the sofa.

"What's wrong?" Gail asked

"Ah just dad...he's feeling down...he phoned Rebecca earlier but they had an argument and she put the phone down" Elle said "I think it's safe to say that their marriage is over"

"Maybe I should go" Gail said

Elle looked at her and shook her head "Don't" she replied "Dad will be here shortly why can't we just have a nice evening together just the three of us"

"Sweetheart...that isn't a good idea" Gail said "There's nothing left between your dad and me to talk about...it's over"

"Is it?" Elle asked

Gail sighed; in her heart she knew it would never be over but too much had happened to be able to turn back the clock.

"You loved him once" Elle said

Gail laughed "Yes I did...very much" she said "But our lives have taken different course over the years...Paul isn't the person he was back then"

"Please stay" Elle said

Gail shook her head "Not tonight darling...your dad needs some time with you alone..." she said "He sounded upset on the answering machine"

"Why don't you want to see him?" Elle asked

Gail sighed "It's complicated" she said "I think the best thing I can do for both of us is leave now...but if that offer of a place to stay is still open then I'll check out of the hotel tomorrow"

Elle smiled "Sure it is..." she said

Gail stood up "I'll see you tomorrow" she said

A few days later, Gail was putting shopping away in Elle's apartment before preparing dinner. Sighing at the sight of the almost empty food cupboards she realised that her daughter was eating takeaways all the time and not having homemade meals. She was interrupted by a knock on the door; Paul was surprised to see her when she opened the door.

"Hi" he said "I was looking for Elle"

Gail smiled "She's working late tonight..so I've been shopping for her and about to start preparing a meal...you'll welcome to come in and wait" she said "Do you want a coffee?"

"You going to put arsenic in it?" Paul joked

Gail looked at him and laughed "You should know me better than that by now" she said walking over to the kitchen and putting the kettle on"

Paul sat at the table , "So how have you been?" he asked

Gail looked at him "Fine...busy but that's a good thing...you don't look to good" she said "What happened?"

Paul remained silent, not really wanting to discuss his failure at relationship commitment with his ex wife. Gail continued making the coffee, finally walking over to the table she set down two mugs. Looking at Paul she sighed.

"Elle told me that you and Rebecca have split up" Gail said

Paul rolled his eyes "Remind me to thank her will you" he said sarcastically

"Is it permanent?" Gail asked

Paul stood up, moving away from the table, unable to face Gail..he felt ashamed that yet another relationship had turned bad, putting his hands over his head he sighed deeply "Yes it is" he said, turning back to Gail he continued "Why is it that every relationship I have turns bad...I tried so hard to be what she wanted to be but in the end it wasn't enough...it never is"

"Why did you cheat on her?" Gail asked "Sorry it's none of my business" shaking her head

Paul laughed "I don't know...because the chance was there...excitement of having someone I wasn't supposed to" he said

Gail observed him, he had changed so much over the years but he still had vulnerability about him "Paul...you told Elle that you never cheated on me" she said

Paul looked at her, maintaining eye contact he replied "No I didn't...I didn't need to" he said "With you everything felt right...I didn't need another woman"

"And you don't feel the same about Rebecca?" Gail said

Paul looked at her, clarity suddenly hit him...he didn't have the same feeling of contentment with Rebecca that he felt with Gail. Sitting back down he sighed "No" he said "I guess that every relationship I've had since you I've been looking for that same feeling of love but I can't"

Gail was slightly shocked to see the tears in his eyes...deep in her heart she knew that she had never experience the same depth of love that she had with Paul and she knew that would never changed...she'd given up trying to find a replacement because there wasn't one.

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together?" Paul asked bringing her back to the present.

Gail slightly smiled "Sure...I wondered about what sort of father you would have been, how Robert would have turned out if we had been together" she said "But I can't change what happened"

"Do you ever regret...what happened how we ended up?" Paul asked sincerely

Gail closed her eyes, sighing she looked at Paul "At the time I did what I thought was best for the triplets...things had hit rock bottom between us and with dad's death, I couldn't see a way forward" she said

Paul looked at her and frowned "What happened to Rob wasn't my fault, dad could have gone to prison for what he did, not to mention what Gloria went through afterwards" he said "Threats being made to her if she told the truth...she was scared"

Gail looked down at the coffee mug in front of her, there was nothing she could say to make things better she knew that "Paul, at the end of the day he was my dad, we all know what he was like, act first then think later..that evening in the kitchen at number 26, when I walked into the argument between you and him, I just saw how vicious you were, you never let him explain...all that I could think of was that the only thing that mattered to you was the business and you trample on anyone who got in your way...I saw you used to your own grandmother" she said

Paul shook his head "Gail you're dad was in it up to his neck, and once again he let you down, I was so angry how many times had he been given chances only to blow them...he was a nightmare" he said, instantly regretting his last remark, the last thing he wanted was to cause an argument between him and Gail...he needed someone on his side and for the first time in a long time he realised that the person he needed was sitting in front of him. Looking at her he quietly continued "After the accident I tried to get through to you so many times but nothing I did worked, you wouldn't talk to me...you'd barely look at me and when you did all I saw was a look of disdain, I didn't know what to do.."

"But the business was still more important...the afternoon of the wake you couldn't wait to get back to work" Gail said

"It wasn't as if you were alone, Gran and Gloria were there...you didn't need me" he said

Gail closed her eyes, the memory of that day came flooding back to her "That's where you're wrong, I did need you...I needed to know that on that day of all days you'd put me before business and stay beside me even if we weren't talking...I wanted a glimmer of hope that we still had a future...that the man I loved so much was still there" she said quietly

"He was" Paul replied "All you needed was me...but by the time I realised that it was too late you were gone"

"That afternoon when I went back to the house...I felt so alone...I remember sitting down and trying to work out what to do, then I realised that there was only one thing I could do...leave. Thinking about it now...I guess I was hurting so much and I wanted to hurt you too...but at the time I didn't think you'd care" she said, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"I did care...oh Gail you were my best friend, when I saw that you had gone...all I could think of was that I needed to find you" he said "I couldn't function properly...work took second place."

Gail shook her head sadly "I couldn't let you find me...I remember when I arrived at Ian's, he pleaded with me to call you...saying that you would be worried sick...but I told him it was over between us and that if he couldn't help me than I'd find somewhere else to go" she said

Paul looked away, closing his eyes he felt his heart break when he considered once again what he lost "You really hated me didn't you?" he said

Gail placed her hand over his "I was upset...I didn't know what would have happened if you found me...but I knew I couldn't go back to how things were." She said

"I would have given everything up for you...just one more chance" Paul said

"You had infinite number of chances Paul...but you chose business every time" Gail remarked.

Paul sighed, he knew if he regretted anything in his life it was losing Gail, the last thing he needed now was for her to turn against him too.

Gail looked at him, seeing the sadness in his eyes, suddenly an image flashed by in front of her eyes, the first time she was going to leave Ramsay Street, she remembered being in the Waterhole saying goodbye to Helen when Paul appeared from the Waterhole office, in a moment their eyes met and in that moment she saw the same sadness then that she saw now, it had broken her heart then and it did the same now, even after all those years she still had a strong feeling for this man but she was also aware that he was no longer the man she fell in love with.

Smiling she looked at him "But back to your original question, yes I regret what happened...the fact that the children never knew what a good man their father once was, or the wonderful grandparents they had...I'd do anything to turn the clock back but I can't" she said "What are you planning on doing now?"

Paul looked at her "I've no idea...I can't go back home, everyone hates me, mind you I can't blame them after the things I've done" he said

"They don't know you...not the way I do" she said

"Maybe I'll stay in New York for a while or go and see Scott and the kids in Brisbane" he said "I haven't seen them in ages"

Gail smiled at the mention of Scott If there was one person who might be able to have a positive influence on Paul it was Scott "That might be a good idea" she said

"What about you?" Paul asked

"I want to stay here a few more weeks before heading back home, I hate Elle being so far away" she said

"I know" Paul said "But she did what was best for her."

Gail smiled "Who knows maybe in a few years time she'll move back to Australia" she said

Paul looked at her hesitantly for a moment "Gail can we keep in touch" he said "Can I come to Tassie and see you when I return home"

Gail smirked "Thought you weren't going home!" she said

"You know what I mean" Paul remarked

"Paul the last time we agreed to keep in touch you got involved with Rebecca and forgot me" she said

Paul sighed "I know I made a mistake, when you left I was vulnerable and needed someone...Rebecca was in the right place at the right time" he said "But I'm through with searching for my ideal woman because I know what I've been looking for all these years and its' another you"

Gail looked at him, she didn't want her heart broken again by this man but she loved him and knew nothing he did would ever change that...she knew the true Paul, smiling she looked into his eyes "We'll see" she said


End file.
